Guide to Christmas for Evil Robots
by tyrantqueenofcons
Summary: Of all things that baffle Cybertronians...


Well, I thought I'd give you crazies a little early Christmas present by making this ridiculous list!

* * *

><p><strong>Rule 1: <strong>Never mix Energon with eggnog

(Turns out it makes the 'Cons twice as over energized)

(They start talking normally)

(For Decepticons, that is really scary)

(Skywarp kept teleporting all over the place, shoving mechs as he snuck behind them)

(He's been in a time out for a while now)

**Rule 2:** The Christmas tree must be less than thirty feet tall

(The excuse that 'it's too small' doesn't work)

(It doesn't need to be that flashy)

(Plus I want to be able to reach the top for once)

(And it'll only encourage Frenzy and Rumble to start climbing it if it's too tall)

**Rule 3: **Don't cover a fellow Decepticon in Christmas ornaments

(I put red Christmas balls all over Starscream)

(He walked into the rec room looking like a giant Christmas tree)

(I couldn't stop laughing)

("Nice look, it suits you")

(Dad, forget what I said earlier, you are awesome)

**Rule 4: **Overkill on the lights is not allowed

(It was blinding!)

(There's a line up to repair glitched optics)

(What I'd like to know is where did the lights come from?)

**Rule 5: **Tinsel is banned from the base

(Self-explanatory folks)

(It gums up their systems)

(And is very hard to clean up)

(Or keep together for that matter)

(I'm still hunting down those mechs who shall not be named for the sake of their dignity)

**Rule 6: **The following movies are to be watched in moderation

Home Alone (All of them) (It gives the Twins and the Seekers too many ideas)

Charlie Brown Christmas (The 'Cons wouldn't stop saying "Ugh! I've been touched by a fleshing! I have squishy germs! Get hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some Iodine!" whenever they saw me) (Grr..) (It's payback time!)

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (The 'Con twins wanted to find the Island of Misfit Toys) (I don't believe it's the Island of Misfit 'Cons dumbafts!)

Elf (All the 'Cons in the room crashed, Starscream made stupid comments and I hid behind Dad)

Jack Frost (For obvious reasons) (Do I really need to say why?)

**Rule 7: **Don't purposely put coal in all the stockings

(Well the Decepticons aren't exactly nice now are they?)

**Rule 8: **Snowball fights are no longer allowed

(When I'm not around)

(I put this rule up before it even started snowing)

(They tend to use more than snow to fight with)

(I'm not taking any chances)

**Rule 9: **Never use too much wrapping paper

(Not sure how this is possible but apparently it is)

(From now on I have to wrap the gifts)

(Because the others do a shoddy job and it gets all over the place)

(I found Beta wrapped in snowman wrapping paper)

**Rule 10: **Respect the Cassetticons and their belief in Santa

(Telling them otherwise only leads to problems)

(Soundwave will not deal with them again)

(Technically they are children so don't spoil it for them)

**Rule 11: **Christmas carols are not to be played on a continuous loop

(I've already heard ten versions of 'Frosty the Snowman' over the past week)

(Had no idea there were that many versions to begin with)

(It got worse after 'Jingle Bells')

**Rule 12: **Stealing presents from humans is not acceptable

(That is no effort whatsoever)

(I brave psychotic crowds and all they do is break windows)

(How unfair is that?)

(So I dragged Trample and Tread with me the next time I went)

(Hee, hee, hee)

**Rule 13: **Hook is not allowed to make gingerbread houses

(He made a giant life sized one)

(It had over twelve bedrooms, a working kitchen, a living room and other things)

(So cool but tasty too)

(Nightmarish trip to the dentist)

**Rule 14: **Bows, wreaths and garland are for walls and trees only

(We don't hang them off arms, tires or legs)

(The sight of Starscream with garland wrapped around his neck made me laugh hysterically for some reason)

**Rule 15: **Don't be a Scrooge

(You will be mocked)

(And mocked)

(And mocked some more)

(Poor Swindle)

(Such a Cheapo)

**Rule 16: ** Never bring up Ravage the Red Nosed Panther

(He actually buries his face when you mention it)

(Yeah, blackmail folder is ready for use)

**Rule 17: **Bells are not to be used as decorations on the 'Cons alt modes

(They never could get them out)

(Or find them in the first place

(I put a whole bunch in Blitzwing while he recharged)

(I was too busy laughing to care about his complaining)

**Rule 18: **Soundwave and Santa are two different things

(Actually you know what…?)

(They kind of are the same)

(They watch you all the time!)

**Rule 19: **All hot chocolate is kept under lock and key

(I got in trouble for drinking too much)

(Didn't see what the problem was)

(It's milk!)

**Rule 20: **Never attempt to figure out where the presents are hidden

(Frenzy, Rumble, Trample, Tread and I went on a quest to find the presents)

(We searched everywhere: all the rooms, outside, you name it)

(Not once did we come across anything)

* * *

><p>There, your holiday should be worry free and fun if you followed them carefully...or not<p> 


End file.
